Why Does That Matter to You?
The best follow-up question isn't about the facts. It's about the meaning underneath them.
Someone tells you they're training for a marathon, or switching careers, or moving across the country. The easy reply is a logistics question: which race, what job, which city.
But the fact is just the surface. The good stuff is why it matters to them — and almost nobody asks.
Facts are the doorway, not the room
When you ask "why does that matter to you?" you skip past the résumé and go straight to the person. You're no longer collecting information. You're asking them to tell you what they care about, and people rarely get invited to do that.
Anyone can ask what you're doing. A friend asks why it moves you.
Turn any fact into a real question
Notice when someone hands you a plain detail — a plan, a choice, a change they're making.
"What made that feel important?" or "Why does that one matter to you?" Point at the feeling under the fact.
You just asked the question they've been wanting someone to ask. Give them room to answer it.
- Ask for the story, not the summary.
- Trade "What do you do?" for "What are you proud of lately?"
- Share something real first — it gives them permission to.
- Follow your curiosity, not the script.
- Before asking someone to open up, share one true thing yourself first.
- When someone states a fact, ask why it matters to them.
- Trade "how are you?" for "what's the best part of your week?"
- Ask about firsts and turning points — they always come with a story.
- Kate Murphy. You're Not Listening — Celadon Books (2019; on listening for meaning, not just information)