Don't Make It Yours
"That reminds me of when I…" feels like connection. Often it's a quiet way of taking the mic.
A friend tells you they're nervous about a big trip. You know exactly how that feels — so you tell them about your trip, the one that went sideways, the lesson you learned.
It feels like empathy. Sometimes it is. But often it's a swap: you've quietly taken their moment and made it about yours.
Sociologists have a name for this
Charles Derber called it "conversational narcissism" — the small, constant tug to turn attention back onto ourselves. It rarely looks rude. It looks like relating. But the other person feels the spotlight slide off them, even if they can't say why.
Relating to someone and redirecting to yourself feel identical from the inside — and opposite from the outside.
Keep the spotlight on them
When "that reminds me of me" rises, pause. That's the cue to stay, not switch.
Trade your story for a question: "What part are you most nervous about?" Keep them going.
If your experience truly helps, offer it after they feel fully heard — and offer it briefly.
- After they finish, wait three seconds before you reply.
- Listen to understand, not to plan your response.
- Put the phone face-down — attention is the whole gift.
- Ask "what was that like?" instead of jumping to advice.
- Say the heart of what you heard back in your own words before replying.
- When their story reminds you of yours, ask a question instead of telling it.
- Notice the topic they walk around, then gently open a door to it.
- Swap your first piece of advice for one more genuine question.
- Put the phone out of sight — full attention is felt, not just seen.
- Charles Derber. The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life — Oxford University Press (2nd ed., 2000 — origin of 'conversational narcissism')
- Celeste Headlee. 10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation — TED (2015 talk on not equating experiences)